HANDCRAFTED: EXPECTATIONS
“Once you give up your expectations you have learned to live” -Osho
2020 presented some epic challenges for me (Covid-19, Curbside pickup, remote learning, huge expectations as to what running a business should look like, identity crisis to name a few...) It also gifted me with some equally big triumphs: Our first year of running a business together, having our first successful spring, creating a new season & finding our stride, having the kids go to actual in-person physical school!!, & opening my shop in a new location.
A very big reason that I wanted to go all-in with my husband Luke in Benoit Greenhouses was that I felt this was our way to connect. We would sit together, and we would plan, and it would be magic! We’d have everything in common! When it didn’t happen that way, I got very exasperated & hurt, threw my arms up, cried and exclaimed I do not want to live our lives for vacation! When the busyness and new additions to the greenhouse took on a life of their own, I finally conceded that a vacation was all that I could see as our opportunity to heal our disconnection. Naturally, the vacation that I pinned all of relationship hopes and dreams on, got canceled, and I was resentful as all hell. There are expectations and there is reality. A big lesson I’m trying very hard to learn is that my expectations caused me misery. Me resisting what was happening is what caused struggle. It is a bitter pill that I’m still trying to swallow.
GETTING THROUGH IT.
1. FIND A WAY TO FEEL HEARD. I am so grateful that I have an amazing friend who listens to me when I feel hurt, who validates my feelings and helps me find the courage to talk it out with Luke.
2. CUT THE DRAMA. Be clear on your hurt feelings. The entire year I was desiring to connect with Luke, but creating grandeur around it, instead of just seeking out time to connect. The truth is after all of the passive aggressive comments about vacation were out of my system. We spent a day getting ready for Christmas together and it was all the time I needed to feel connected.
3. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I believe in having big dreams. I love using these dreams to light up my worlds and give me direction. Part of my dream was to create an opportunity for connection and romance. My approach didn’t work out. What did I learn? Apply that going forward.
4. MAKE TIME FOR THIS THING THAT YOU WANT. Keep moving towards the thing that you want. Don’t just throw and adult temper tantrum and give up on it. Keep turning towards it.
5. CREATE WHAT YOU MISSED OUT ON. I wanted a vacation. I wanted to celebrate our year together. I wanted to escape, relax & indulge. Turns out, I could do all of those in my home & feel the way I would feel on vacation. I celebrated with a bread bowl from Panera with chicken & rice soup & their brownie! So Good!! I relaxed by getting some work down on my laptop that was holding some big decisions up. I started working on a project that I’m excited about! I took a very indulgen bath, read an awesome book & had some coffee & baileys as a night cap! I felt I was on vacation and pushed some things forward!! Woot! Woot!
I’m learning so much of my pain and struggle starts with my mind. I often need to just take a big step back and look at my circumstance with a fresh set of eyes!!
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday!!
Mandy Benoit