What Mental Illness feels like
I am no stranger to mental illness. I’ve had severe bouts of it 3 different times of my life. At 21 I left the University of Illinois because I had anxiety & panic so bad that I couldn’t go to class. When I was around 23 it repeated itself. And after giving birth to my oldest daughter, Lucy I suffered from post-partum anxiety for almost one-and-a-half years. My anxiety was mentally taxing. The awfulness that lived in my head weighed on my soul like a ton of bricks. I experienced unspeakable dark thoughts, that were cyclical. I’d have a thought, then I’d judge the thought, and then I’d determine I was an awful person, and then the cycle would start again. I couldn’t get a break from it. It felt like I was drowning. It felt as my soul was being pulled out of my body and I was being dragged into a black hole. At my breaking point, and through the grace of God, I very luckily realized that this seemed to be worse during ovulation & around my period. I reached out to my doctor and soon learned that my anxiety was caused by a hormonal imbalance. Things were so bad that I’d gotten to a point where I didn’t believe I could endure another month like this, and I considered suicide. PMDD, severe pms, didn’t come close to describing how horrible this was. It would be like comparing a stomach ache and labor pains. I remember feeling… I can’t connect. It was the most awful feeling I’ve ever endured. It was the absence of everything. I felt completely isolated from anything that mattered to me. I felt completely alone and like no one would ever be able to get what was going on. I felt like if I talked about it, people would just condemn me. The craziest thing, and the scariest thing for me to process is that on the outside, I probably just looked tired.
“Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.” - Unknown. Although, I would definitely categorize severe anxiety and depression as a disruption, having gotten through I can now see the beauty it brought to my life as well.
On the inside, I didn’t know who I was anymore. The thoughts were that convincing. And when people asked me how I was, the pain I was experiencing was so deep and so personal, it just hurt too much to tell them… If they blew me off, or said.. wow!? It would have been like standing naked and being laughed at... I couldn’t handle that… So I didn’t share. I felt that it would inconvenience people to tell them. I also was so tired of feeling crazy and out of control, that I just wanted to appear strong. Even if it was just pretending... because all I can remember from that time, was that I was just trying to hold the walls up.. I visualized myself just trying not to collapse into a heap on the floor. I did not feel strong. You just never know what’s going on in a person’s life. It does not matter how much they’re blessed with. What’s going on inside does not necessarily mirror that. Mental illness is so painful, but can be invisible.
“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.” - Unknown. I wish I had been given a course on my feelings as a kid. What they mean, what to do with them. I am definitely someone who feels things deeply, and in the past have followed them down some dark paths.
There are so many people in my life who have been taken aback when I tell them my story, because they had no idea. As someone who has benefited deeply from the dear friend who reached out to me, I wholeheartedly ask you to reach out to the people you love and tell them how much they matter to you. When you see a person and are unsure of how they’re doing. Don’t make small talk. Implore. It is not being nosy. It is showing you care. Reach out, and give them space to feel how they feel. Ask. Tons of questions. Check in. I was fortunate enough to have a dear friend at the time who I could pour my heart out to. She checked in. She listened. She reminded me who I was before for I got lost in in this struggle, because I didn’t see it or feel it anymore. When you’re in the thick of mental illness, doesn’t matter if it’s mild or severe. You’re hopping from kind word, to helpful book, to hopeful blog post; If you keep what’s going on inside, you can run out of landing pads. You need reminders that you are enough and that there is good inside of you, a You Matter T-shirt, a note you received telling you how much you’re loved by your sister, a love letter from your husband to jolt you out of the extreme mindset you’re mired in. And you need to ask for help when you need it. You are not an inconvenience or weak. (I can’t tell you how hard asking for help used to be for me, but I definitely learned I can’t carry it all) I believe it takes immense strength to ask for help.
I can’t tell you how badly I needed to find meaning for my depression/anxiety after it was done. As someone who walked through the fire and is currently on the other side, this quote makes me feel strong.
“Maybe you’ve been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.” - Unknown.
There have been too many people that haven’t gotten the help they need when they needed it and are no longer here today. My heart breaks for them. If they could have had someone who understood. If they had the right doctor. If they had had a friend who they could rely on, would things be different? I don’t know...
I consider myself profoundly lucky because I was blessed with all of these. I want you to know that depression & anxiety look a certain way to the bystander, but feel entirely different to the one experiencing it. I went to work on my regular schedule, I looked normal, my boss who I sat 3’-0” away from had no idea anything was wrong, but I felt as if I was dying inside. So many people ask you how you’re doing, and you’re craving to tell them to unburden your soul, but really they just want to hear fine. I can’t tell you how lonely that feels. So please, please, don’t wait to reach out to those you love, and let them know you are here for them.
Anyone reading this … You matter. … Your thoughts matter, Your words matter, Your ideas matter. The fact that you’re here matters… Your favorite color, Your favorite meal, all matter… If you weren’t here. It would matter… My experience with Anxiety & depression have shaped my soul. They’ve taken me to the brink and made me dig deep for reserves that I didn’t know existed. I could go on about this. For me the pain I’ve endured… I needed it to mean something. So I talk about my experience openly, because I’m not embarrassed, and because when I have struggled and I heard someone else doing so, it lifted a weight.
I hope sharing my story has helped you in some way.
I hope you are feeling healthy and strong. I hope you are living your life to the fullest.
Authentically yours, Mandy